Monday, January 23, 2012

Accidentally in love.


Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

When I was Form 5, I conducted a performance for Teachers Day. I chose the song; accidentally in love.

Somehow, I just remembered it.

I was thinking to myself just now. I asked myself, “In Islam, is love probihited or not?” What I meant with love was the feelings between normal teenagers nowadays. Among brothers and sisters. I know for a fact, in Islamic point of view, love is after nikah. Love is after marriage. However, if you are about to marry someone, you most probably will marry the one whom you like.

Again, I know, there were cases where people doesn't know each other and yet still happily married. But, it doesn't apply to most of a million of other cases. The probability of marrying someone whom we already like is higher than to marry with an unknown someone.

So is it wrong to be in love before marriage?

For me, I don't think it is wrong but it truly depends on how you handle the feeling you called love. I prefer to use the word; accidentally in love. Because, well, let's face it. Most of us doesn't even plan to fall in love, do we? We accidentally fell into one, or many. We don't pick the one we want to fall in love with. It happened suddenly and out of the ordinary.

Basically, we have to (as a teenager and a Muslim) know what is the best and correct way to channel our feelings.

I'm telling you to get married.

Okay, kidding (or wasn't I?)


First of all, of course, you have to distinguish your feelings whether it is true love or just nafs. Is it you like that particular someone or it is just that you want to own that someone? That might came out a little harsh, but haven't you heard of the word “boring”? Most of the time, if we only have the feeling of want to own something, we usually get bored after we own it for a certain amount of time. On the other hand, if we like something, the chance of being bored out to death is much more less and unlikely will happen.

So, take a deep breath now and ask yourself.
“Do I really like that person?”

If your answer is yes, let us move on.

The next step will be, ask your own age. If you think you are in the age when people usually get married, then you have another green light. Don't tell me you are 17 or younger and yet you want to get married as soon as possible. It wasn't that I don't want to be married when I was 17 but I hold my feelings and waited until I was 18 to have a clear mind which says, 'Okay, I should probably get married by now.'

I am 19 now, by the way.

For a sister, 18 and above is okay for me personally.
While for brothers, I couldn't actually say anything. I don't think there will be a certain age but for me personally again, 20 might be a good mark.

Stop right there, don't be flustered, I am just talking about age.

Then, you will have to do the most amazing thing in your life yet. You have to tell the parents. Yes, both of your parents and his/her parents. That is 2 set of parents for you. Tell one and let them settle to another one. Because if you have a green light from yours, they might be the one who will do the talk to your spouse's parents.

This part is the hardest. I remembered myself telling my father that I wanted to get married and he said, “Find a guy who memorize Yasin.”

So it wasn't hard for me, telling my parents. But I do believe it would be a lot harder at the brothers side. I can imagine the question aroused of what you should feed you wife and children if both of you are still studying etc etc. Well, that you have to prepare the answer.

Some sister like me, doesn't care if we will go through nikah khitbah. Or even normal nikah without any nafkah zahir as long as we are studying. The parents will still give money for respective children and whenever the husband starts to work, he will handle all the responsibilities. I do propose you to make your own “Nikah paperwork” if you want to get married early. You have to have a Masterplan, Action Plan, Back Up Plan, Estimated Budget and Expenditure etc. Then, send you paperwork to your parents for approval. Give them at least 3 weeks to evaluate. Sometimes you even get the answer early. Whether approved or rejected.

If it is accepted, then move on.

Istikharah.

I know some people might ask, “Shouldn't istikharah be at the first place?” I reply with this: “If you performed your istikharah and the answer is yes, but then you proposal is rejected by your parents, then...?” Sometimes, we perform istikharah prayer to know whether he/she is the right one but we didn't do other prayers on whether it is the right time or not. If you do istikharah after you have all the green lights, the answer you might get probably will help you a lot better. Let just say, Allah knows best. He gave us our own mind to think. Don't let you nafs overcome your 'aql.

When finally you have all the answer and it had proven that you are in the right path, then don't forget to invite me to your walimatul urus.

Sometimes, whatever we planned will not work out. We planned, Allah also had planned, and He is the best planner.

Writing this, I remembered when I received my first proposal. It was more than 6 years ago and I received three in a day. I was called Goggle at that time and I pay more attention when people called me by my name, Mira. So he asked,

“Will you marry me?” and I said no.

Another asked the same later that day and I said no.

Another asked on the night and I said, “you are the third one to ask today.”
And he asked me, “Is it [he mentioned the name of the first guy] that proposed?” I said yes. The change of his look was obvious.
“Accept him, will you? Not me, not [he mentioned the second guy]” he continued. He left without a smile.
The three of them were 5 years older than me and were about to finish school.

It might be the reason why I don't care people talking about marriage. I had been exposed to it long ago. And yet, I am still finding my own way to find the right one. The one Allah chose for me. Is he here in this world?

InsyaAllah, on my way to be a good daughter, student, muslimah, chaliph and servant of Allah, and future-wife-and-mother-to-be. I just need to find a proposal which I will reply with a yes.

Wallahua'lam.

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