Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Running wasn't the solution.

BismiLLAHirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatuLLAHi wabarakatuh.

These days, I lost myself.
I try to grasp the idea of gaining back but it doesn't brings much effect as I wanted it to be.

As... I want. *sigh*

The nafs wants everything.

The last day Syeikh was here, I waved from the house.
It was morning and I looked bad enough to go out and stand by the car.
So I didn't and stayed.

The house turned very quiet afterwards,
very.

We know he will be gone for at least 2 months.
For few seconds only after he left... we felt... missing.
At least I do.

Study week came shortly afterwards.
Our daily classes became weekly on basis.
Once per week. Not even the Friday's night "Majlis Selawat".

I wasn't even very sure what went wrong.
But I did ran away.

I packed my bags and poof, I was on the bus to Ramsis.
Poof, I was on the tremco to Tanta.
Spent a night, train to Alex.
Spent a night, car to Mansoura.
Spent a night, bus to Cairo.

Then... Friday's morning class again.

People are decreasing... because of the exam.
I don't know.
I really don't know.

I took the first bus from Mansoura to Cairo biizniLLAH because I knew I have to attend the class.
No matter what.
And when I saw that people wasn't coming...

Gosh.
Is that how much I like to see people come?

Ya RABB.

*sigh*

My first written Physiology paper came afterwards.
I didn't know what I did but I was totally furious with my way and rate of studying.
So after the nightmare,
I - tried - to focus on oral and practical.

My, my.

What happened to me?

One thing I don't let myself to do was to express my deep anger towards others.
And when it was finally time for oral and practical, that is, yesterday...
I was glad alhamduLILLAH.

The written practical calm my heart.
The doctor asking practical questions said that Amirah and I were good and even made us stop when we wanted to continue.
The first doctor for oral smiled and said "Thank you. I am very glad."
The second doctor made me think and said things I don't know I can relate in Physiology.

AlhamduLILLAH.

The few shimmers of happiness.

Then I went back to Rumah Sarawak; the place I had been staying for a while.
There... I realised what was my problem.

I had fell in love.

Though, my dear, love isn't only to human.
It might be to materials, conditions, places...

I fell in love with something that I am not sure whether that love will help me in the journey to ALLAH.

Love is a gift.
The feelings itself are blessings from HIM.

I think about it again and again.
And what hit me was an advice.

One told me, that I should not cling to routine.
Okay so I had a decent life, I "think" I was doing good things, so what?
Don't cling on it.

Stop thinking you are the one who made from what you did yesterday.
You can, insyaALLAH, change any second you want to, IF you want to.

Every minute is a new minute.
People forget about the past, good or bad.

The rear mirror in a car was made for precautions, not as the ultimate goal of where you are looking at.
You have to see the front mirror.

What is happening, how to deal with it and most importantly, stay. with. HIM.

Sometimes you wonder how you could woke up early for Fajr past few years and now you are struggling.
Sometimes you wonder how you could study for hours before and now you keep on sleeping.

People change.
Nafs has its own way to brings you back to the darkness.

You just have to learn, how to control.
Close your eyes and open your heart.

Because, "Verily, for every difficulty, there is ease." al-Insyirah.

ALLAHua'lam.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

It all happened as HE wanted it to be.

BismiLLAHirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatuLLAHi wabarakatuh.

It's been a while.
Isn't it?

Last post was on November and poof, here I am.
May 2014.

20 years old, reaching that 21 this October insyaALLAH.


Bits from here and there.
So alhamduLILLAH I had finished the semester and currently in my study week just before the final examination.
Egypt is as always, as you can read it on the news or happen to experience it by yourself.

Truth to be told,
I was scrolling around the previous posts.

It was like a memory lane, it is, indeed.
Ups and downs. There are things that I don't even want to remember. I don't wish it doesn't happen but something so devastating just need to... disappear?

Well, anyway...

Those are the things that made what I am today, isn't it?
No, I can't agree more.


At the beginning of the academic year, it happened that I was destined to this beautiful house of Rumah Kenyalang, the residency for Sarawakians.
I got a call one night, asking me to accompany one of the girls that stayed there.

I said okay, without even having a syura with my current housemates just because... Because I know it had to be done.

I made an agreement to pay for my part of the house rent until they manage to find another.
I moved.
And it was closer to talaqqi.

Therefore, I officially live with Nining and Yuyu.
I had this privilege of running from the house to Bawabah Thani.
Huge privilege of joining the Family Day at the rooftop.
And others, obviously. Those little things that made your life a litttttle bit brighter.

Just thinking of it made my eyes full of tears. Ha-ha.

Why?

Just because...

It was destined that I have to move, again.

My Syeikh wanted to move the class to another place.
That... another place, needs a "guardian".

You might want to imagine how reaction when the place was almost ready and Syeikh was standing there in front of me... asking... "When do you want to move in?"

I knew I didn't have any choice.
I knew ALLAH wants me to crush my ego and be a khuddam.

Officially (again), I live at the place where I learn.

It wasn't unhappy at all.
I was glad and it's a gift.

A gift that I get, no one else did.
To "break" your bones and serve.

Not everyone understand this matter.
Some might try to comprehend.

I myself still trying to grasp the idea.

HE got the best plans.
What I've been through.
What I am going through...

I'll say I'll just let it be.
Que sera sera.


ALLAHua'lam.