Tuesday, August 21, 2012

A mosquito taught me,

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

During previous examination, I spent a lot of my time alone.
It was the last ten night of Ramadhan, it was examination week.

During Ramadhan itself, my schedule had not been as usual.
I didn't even remember going to Blok E as usual.
There were iftar invitation everyday, or if not, I would have went to the mosque.

I remembered the time during talaqqi, when we were studying The Chapter of I'tiqaf from the book at-Tanbih.

But it wasn't my topic for today.

It is my mothers' birthday as the matter of fact.

It took me a long time to think, why parents are important in our lives?
And why, we could not ever pay what they had done for us.

Once I read a story, regarding a Muslim. He took care of his old mother. To cut it short and to make clear what he had done for his mother, he even took his mother performing Hajj by carrying her behind his back.

And he asked Prophet Muhammad s.a.w, whether he had done enough to return back whatever had his mother struggled while raising him. The answer is no.

No, it wasn't enough.

So I was very curious indeed; why?
Why can't all his sacrifices be equal to what his mother did for him?

I found the answer, while I was studying, from a mosquito.

It was the last night before the last paper.
I hadn't slept for hours, drank cups of Nescafe, and the next day would be Maths.
Usually I was alone, but that night, a bunch of juniors decided to study at the surau also.

I wasn't very happy at first.
So ignoring was the only option.

It was when all of them fell asleep I finally gained tranquillity.

But there was too many mosquitoes.
Even my palms had blood marks.
So I closed all the windows, and continue my study.

Because of the blood marks, I realised that if it wasn't mine, it must be theirs.
So I look over them, and saw a mosquito hovering around one of them.

I felt very disturbed, wanted to kill the mosquito right away.
Waited for a while before I did, perhaps the right one. I can't differentiate mosquitoes.

And that was when, I realised why a mother sacrifice is so huge, it can't be paid with anything.
Can you just imagine when we were just a few kilograms sleeping endlessly, our mother protected us from every mosquito that passed her eyes?

Plus all the other things that we know she did it for us?

She can decide not to get married, not to have kids, not to raise us.
But she did it anyway.

She had multiple choices, but she chose her children.

All the money, her health, time and even her mind.
My mother chose me.

And ALLAH chose my mother for me.

How could I ever be so ungrateful?



Sanah Helwa, ami.
Barakallah 'alaik fi kulli hal.
I wish to put a smile on you everyday, C:

Allahua'lam.

Monday, August 20, 2012

"Ana tak suka jemaah."

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Pada mulanya ana mendapat ilham mahu meletakkan tajuk seperti di atas, ana merasakan tiada apa yang salah. Tiada kontroversi.

Hinggalah saat ana menaipnya, ana merasakan, mungkinkah... ada yang akan salah faham?

Khair, sedikit penerangan insyaALLAH.
Jemaah yang ana maksudkan adalah solat secara berjemaah dan bukanlah... perkara lain. Bagi yang faham maksud ana, insyaALLAH faham. Bagi yang kurang memahami, kekalkan begitu hingga tiba masanya.

Kenapa “Ana tak suka jemaah?”
Atau lebih spesifik lagi ana tak suka solat jemaah.

Permasalahan ini bukan apa yang dialami ana sekarang. Setelah jalan tarbiyah ana lalui di UIAM, pastilah solat jemaah yang paling ana nantikan. Namun, secara jujur, permasalahan bermula seawalnya ana melangkah ke UIAM.

Hakikatnya, bila ana fikir kembali, hanya satu sebab sahaja mengapa ana tidak suka solat jemaah – saf tidak rapat.

Semasa ana di SAM[T]TAR, tarbiyah ana bermula dari kosong sehingga pengetahuan yang cukup untuk ana “selamat” berada 3 tahun di sekolah menengah harian.

Kenapa?

Kerana selama 3 tahun ana di SMKAM2, walaupun setinggi mana cinta dan pengharapan ana terhadap sekolah itu, namun setiap kali godaan datang kepada ana dalam bermacam-macam cara, setiap kali itu ana akan bersyukur ana ditarbiyah dahulu di SAM[T]TAR.

Sehinggakan ana lebih jumud semasa awal tingkatan 3, daripada ana yang sekarang.

Salah satu perkara yang diajar oleh senior dan asatizah di SAM[T]TAR adalah untuk meluruskan dan merapatkan saf. Memang tidak dinafikan, kami akan dimarahi sekiranya saf terputus, tapi kerana itulah, ukhwah antara aspura dan aspuri lebih rapat berbanding pelajar yang berulang-alik dari rumah.

Sakit seorang, seluruh asrama terasa.
Berjaya seorang, seluruh asrama gembira.

Manakan tidak, kami seluruhnya mungkin hanya mencecah 250 orang dari tingkatan 1 hinggalah tingkatan 6 bagi aspura dan aspuri.

Ukhwah yang terbina ditambah saf yang rapat 5 kali sehari, tiada yang lebih erat daripada itu.

Apabila ana berpindah dari SAM[T]TAR, menunaikan solat dengan orang awam, hati ana sangat sakit. Sakit yang mencengkam. Di SMKAM2 sekurang-kurangnya ana boleh meminta dan merapatkan bahu-bahu rakan ana dengan tangan ana sendiri, tapi bagaimana di masjid dan tempat ibadah yang lain?

Sukar sekali.

Hingga kesakitan ana terbawa-bawa ke CFS. Terawih pada semester pertama ana langsung mengerjakannya sendiri. Hinggalah hati ana terbuka untuk solat bersama semasa GCI, ana diuji lagi dengan perasaan sendiri.

Saf terputus dan jaraknya masih boleh dimasuki oleh seorang.
Sedangkan ana sudah mahu mula solat semasa mereka yang lain sudah mengangkat takbir.

Ana memandang ke sebelah lalu bertanya, “Tahu tak cara nak bergerak rapatkan saf?” Dia menggeleng. Ana kecewa. Maksudnya, tidak boleh untuk ana bergerak merapatkan saf kerana jika di sebelah ana kekal, tiada bezanya.

Solat diteruskan. Mata menangis. Hati menjerit.

Saf!

Selepas itu ana trauma kembali untuk solat jemaah, kerana ana takut lebih sukar bagi ana untuk mengejar khusyu', sedangkan jika saf rapat pun belum tentu.

Hinggalah ana ditegur oleh ALLAH.

Pada semester kedua, ternyata ana diagunerahkan dengan dua orang sahabat yang selalu berjemaah. Dan setiap kali ingin solat, ana diminta menjadi imam. Selama dua bulan itu keadaan berterusan, hinggalah kecintaan ana terhadap jemaah kembali di dalam hati.

Betapalah ana mahu bersyukur. Kepada DIA yang ana cintai.

Apabila semester ketiga menjelang, ana terpisah dengan dua sahabat tersebut. Tidak dinafikan ana merasa takut. Bagaimana hendak ana mulakan solat jemaah bersama rakan ana yang memang sudah sedia ana kenali?

Maha Suci ALLAH yang memberi petunjuk dan hidayah.

Hanya 2 kali sahaja seingat ana mengajak rakan-rakan ana solat berjemaah, kemudiannya untuk kali ke 3 ana ingin mengajak, sudah tersedia jadual siapa yang ditugaskan menjadi imam setiap hari. AllahuALLAH.

Betapalah ana mahu bersyukur. Kepada DIA yang ana cintai.

Menetapkan hati ana untuk tetap berjemaah hingga sekarang.
Moga dianugerahkan istiqamah. Allahumma amin.

Pernah sekali ana terbaca, sebuah cerita tentang kelebihan solat jemaah.

*****

Pada zaman dahulu ada seorang mu'min yang sering solat jemaah. Hinggalah pada satu malam dia tertidur di antara Maghrib dan Isya', hinggalah dia terlepas menunaikan solat Isya' secara berjemaah.

Dicarinya seluruh kampung siapa yang belum solat, tidak ditemui.

Lalu dia melangkah ke masjid, lalu solat Isya' sebanyak 26 kali [setengah hadith menyatakan 27]. Bertepatan dengan hadith Rasulullah s.a.w,

"Solat berjemaah itu lebih digalakkan daripada solat bersendirian dengan 27 Darjat".(HR Bukhari dan Muslim)

Selesai solat, dia tertidur kembali lalu bermimpi. Mimpinya dia di padang Mahsyar. Sahabatnya semua menaiki tunggangan ataupun berjalan dengan pantas sedangkan dia lambat sedikit. Lalu ditanya kepada seorang, “Mengapakah kamu lebih pantas daripadaku? Bukankah amalan kita sama?”

Lelaki itu menggeleng seraya menjawab, “Tidak, bukankah kamu pernah tertinggal solat jemaah Isya' sekali?”

"Tapi bukankah aku sudah menggantikan fadhilatnya dengan bersolat Isya' 26 kali?”

"Tidak, pahalanya tetap tidak serupa.”

*****


Jika difikirkan, solat Isya' 26 kali sama dengan menunaikan solat Isya' selama hampir sebulan. Tapi pahalanya tetap kurang dan tidak setanding dengan solat Isya' sekali dengan berjemaah.

Ana akhiri penulisan ana di sini.
Mohon difikirkan.






Credit
Name: Samer Nazzal
Location: Jerusalem, Palestine
Date: 11 August, 2012

Allahua'lam.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

'Eid is coming, yes it is!

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

AllahuALLAH.
'Eid al-fitri is tonight, and tomorrow until the dawn.
AllahuALLAH.
Ramadhan had gone, and it will be waited and waited until next year.

Here is some 'amal that you may practise tonight:



This is from Syeikhuna, Ustaz Muhadir Bin Hj Joll:


1.Tahajjud

2.Tasbih (4 rakaat, 2 salam)

3.Solat Hajat

4.Laa ilaaha illallah 1000x, kemudian baca Allaahumma thabbitaa bi qaulith thaabit 3 x

5.Istighfar 1000x

6.Selawat 1000x

7.Yaa Hayyu Yaa Qayyum, Laa ilaaha illaa Anta 40x

8. Yaa Hayyu Yaa Qayyuum, Ahyil Quluuba Tahyaa,
wa ashlih lanal a'maala fid diini wad dunyaa 18x

Eid Mubarak to all.
May ALLAH be with us.


Allahua'lam.

The prince, and the KING.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

I hadn't write anything these days.
Ramadhan is leaving us, khair.
Taqabbalallahu minna wa minkum, insyaAllah.

This time I wanted to write about one of my biggest hardship in life.
My mistake. One, but had a huge effect in my life.

This is a mix post, between Malay and English.
I know I didn't do it often, it is my first time actually.
But some phrases I just couldn't express in English.
So it just better be in Malay.

Mungkin, ada yang tak mampu nak terima.
Ana tak tahu.
Tapi sungguh, ana mengaku kisah ini silapnya pada pihak ana.

My fault, and mine alone.
I'm writing in for my own reminder in the future.
And to remind every and each one of us,
that eventhough how hard we are trying to keep away ourselves from worldly matters,
it would still effect us, and if we are not prepared, we fell into it.

Ini kisah yang ana ceritakan pada satu iftar bersama adik-adik dan rakan ENGENIUS.


"Hati kita umpama cawan.
Jika kita penuhkan cawan itu dengan sesuatu,
pasti ia sukar untuk menerima sesuatu yang lain.
Bagaimana untuk menukarnya?
Sedangkan tidak mungkin kita mampu menukar cawan itu.
Ada dua cara,
buang apa yang ada di dalamnya,
atau penuhkan dengan sesuatu yang baru dengan melimpahkan apa yang ada keluar.
Masuk, masuk dan masukkan perkara yang baru.
Pasti yang lama itu tidak akan tersisa."

The story started few days before Ramadan came.
I was sitting alone in my house, relaxing.
I was content with my life.
I went to talaqqi, my tasmi' class was progressing, my study was fine.
And out of the sudden, one thought crossed my mind.
One name, actually.

And my mind suddenly gave me a comment:
"Do you actually like him, but you didn't realise it?"

I was, stunned. Angry at the same time.

How could I think about someone, in this case, a brother that I shouldn't be thinking?
How is that possible?
I don't even close to him what so ever, or even communicating with him if not necessary.

And that was when I realised that,
it was a test.

It was a test for me, and the outcome lies solely on my action.

At first, ignoring was an option.
But my nafs had it own strategy of diverging me from the straight path.
The brother I mentioned, whom we shall refer as Z (not a real name) from this point onwards, had to go to a camp.
I was, worried.
Of course I was still angry of myself, but I can't control my feelings at that stage.
So I bought breads and candies and even a bottle of mineral for him.

Allah gave me a sign that day.
Allah didn't approved me to pass all those things to him before he left.

I was taken aback, so I gave my nafs a big slap.

The days without Z around the campus gave me my normal life back.
I was Amirah Hazwani, the one who eventhough is not very strict to the brothers, but knows the limit.

Until one night, there was a meeting somewhere at CFS.
I knew that he would be there, but it was also compulsory for me to come.
I went there, for a minute or two I sat down and there you go.
My eyes were searching for him without thinking.
Yes, the point was I wasn't thinking, and I wasn't remembering Allah as I should do.

Alhamdulillah, before my eyes sees any sign of him, the other part of my body refuses to and my heart lead my steps outside the venue. Alhamdulillah.

I waited outside, until the meeting was about to end.
We are suppose to eat together afterwards.
Then it crosses my mind that if we are suppose to eat together, then I would have to meet him.
So I decided to went back to KC early, so I wouldn't have to.

Stepping down the stairs, I heard a voice.
I knew it was him.
As quickly as I can, I ran downstairs, saw him and turn the other way round to my left.
Because I know he'll went to the right side.
In front of me was dark glasses that allow me to see the view behind me.
And I saw him following my footsteps.
I can't think, thus I ran.

I ran to another direction, went to another block, down the stairs.
And what happened next?
I heard someone footsteps behind me,
I looked back, and it was him.
I can't think, thus I ran harder.

I ran until I arrived at KC, where I cried.
I cried not because I didn't meet him what so ever.
I cried because I felt that, I had given another slap to my nafs.
The feelings towards him, was wrong. Though it is a fitrah.

I know for a fact that he wasn't following me.
It just that we are going to the same direction.

That was the point that I know that he realised everything.
I didn't tell him, of course.
I just knew, that he knows.

So he said something that I felt that it was for me, though it was said in front of others also.


"Jangan isi kekosongan masa, dengan kekosongan jiwa."

These words deserve to be bold and bigger than others.
Just because... well, just -- because.

Afterwards, I was back to myself.
For a brief moment.

I did not know when I started to flustered again whenever I sees him.
I did not know when I, again, lost control of my own feelings.

I had troubles with my memorization and I know it is because of what.
And I can't tell anyone.
I had it as a secret apart from three people.
But there was no obvious solution to a heart issue.

Bak kata orang, penyakit hati.
Percayalah, sesaknya hati dipenuhi dunia, lebih sesak lagi bagi ana.
Saatnya ana merasa betapa kalau ana tidak menimba ilmu,
pasti ana akan tenggelam ke dalam perangkap nafsu.

Walaupun suka dan cinta itu fitrah, tapi ana tahu bukan sekarang.
Bukan sekarang.

Allah gave me another chance.
One day, I took a day rest.
I didn't go to any of my classes.

One of my lecturer asked whether I had a problem.
I had a problem, I just can't find a solution for it that moment.

On the evening, I received a text from a friend to grab a thing at the Mahallah Office.
So I went there four times. The fourth time, it was at 4 o'clock.
I received a huge box with my name and address written on it.

I opened the package and saw an album with my picture on the front.
I knew what it was for, it was a farewell gift. I burst into tears.

The album was arranged so that one side of it was for letters written by my fellow ENGENIUSes.
And another was our pictures.

And there it was, a note from him.
Alhamdulillah, after I read what he wrote, it was a closure for my feelings.
After I read what he wrote, I was able to tell my heart, my nafs and my 'aql to cooperate together.

My struggle for my own feelings lasted about two weeks.

It was that moment that I realised why I had accidentally liked him.
He was and is a good person.
He was and is someone that can differentiate what is right and wrong.
And he will tell others, if something is wrong.
He told me.

But I had chose a path where I wasn't suppose to like someone during this age, this time.

Sakit ana, penyakit hati.
Hanya mampu diubat dengan usaha dan tawakal.
Dan sakit ana bertambah berat,
kerana tidak sepatutnya perkara yang "remeh" ini ana mengambil waktu dua minggu untuk menangani.

Dan ana menulis, bukan untuk menunjukkan kelemahan.
Tapi hakikat. Sebanyak mana mungkin antum lihat ana menjaga.
Sebanyak mana mungkin antum lihat ana petah berbicara.
Ana juga pernah jatuh.

Dan jatuhnya ana tidak ada seorang manusia pun yang mampu membantu.
3 manusia ana berharap, ana meluahkan masalah.
Tapi hati itu milik siapa?
Milik Allah.

Sepatutnya dari awal ana kembali kepada Dia.

Dan ana tujukan nasihat kepada golongan yang hendak menerima,
cinta dan suka itu fitrah.
Tapi hidup kita di dunia bukan untuk setakat bercinta.
Bukan maksudnya mendapat izin ibu bapa itu menghalalkan perhubungan mana-mana pihak.
Bukan hanya dengan berbalas tazkirah itu menunjukkan kesucian.

Jauh sekali, malah mungkin antum telah ditipu nafsu semata-mata.

Ketahuilah, ana tak mengharamkan cinta.
Tapi tingkahlaku menggapai cinta itu kadang-kadang haram.

Janganlah, bersikap sambil lewa terhadap dosa. Walaupun sekecil mana.
Janganlah, mengambil mudah terhadap zina.


Biarlah kita syadid, asal mendapat redhaNya.
Biarlah kita jumud, asal mendapat keampunanNya.

Ana mengakhiri penulisan peribadi ana tentang cinta di sini.
Biarlah, apa yang sudah ditakdirkan, tetap akan berlaku.
Pilihan hati atau pilihan keluarga, pilihan Allah tetap lebih baik.

Moga dia menjadi seorang yang zuhud,
moga hati ana kekal kosong hingga tiba masanya.


"Apabila da'ie tidak menjaga hatinya,
maka rosaklah dirinya,
terfitnahlah Islam kerananya
dan runtuhlah dakwah di tangannya.
Sahabatku,
kejayaan dakwah bukanlah terletak pada kepandaian seorang da'ie berkata-kata,
bukanlah kecantikan paras rupa,
tapi terletak pada keikhlasan dan kejernihan hatinya.
Maka waspadailah hatimu selalu
agar ia  terselamat dari kekotoran nafsu yang menipu."
-Z-




Allahua'lam.



Saturday, August 4, 2012

Things da'ie should not do;

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.


Writing based on experience, I know there will be flaws, so comments and suggestions are open for everyone.


Being in IIUM, I detected few "species" of students.
And that just for the Foundation Centre.

This time I do not want to babble around, so I will be focusing on one target.
The group of students who wanted to spread around words of Islam.


Khair, obviously it is a good thing to have you around, but I realised that the same pattern keeps going on and on. And it is not good, at least for me.


Because, they are people who are identically same with me; in terms of behaviour and how we think. Simple words? Well,  let just say that I was in this term:


"I will not change unless I wanted to."

Yes, simple ego.


But then, for us to break our ego, is for you guys to lower yours.
For serious, and I meant to write this in capital, but I don't like capital words.
I had changed myself for a better good because those around me doesn't force me so.
There's no one coming to me saying this and that.


Simply because I wore long hijab and niqab doesn't mean that I don't need people to remind me how I was drowning in this world.


On the other hand, the students who did not wear as what I wear always get the attention and "the look" of some da'ie as the-one-to-be-targeted.


Eventhough at one side, it is somewhat true, but the one who needed the reminders, tazkirah, tazkiyah the most are those who you forget. The one like you.


Are you with me?


Well, you see, I'll make this simple.


Situation one.
You are trying to make a sister to cover her aurah properly, and to delete her pictures on the web which does not cover her aurah. BUT, you are forgetting those who wear long hijab and somewhat posted their pictures on the web and still doesn't manage to cover their aurah properly.


The hand, my dear sisters. That's why people invented hand sock. And somehow, you hands still can be seen, so please, don't post your picture online.


So the number one rule for da'ie;
1. You should not remind those who you didn't know, if you don't at least try to remind your own friends first.


I am not saying that you can't 100% remind others, but if your 100% belongs to them, what percentage does your friends have?


Situation two.
You feel weird when others look at you in certain way that you don't like.


Because, my dear da'ie, you look at people in the way they didn't like.


I had been experienced this multiple times, and I know the differences.
Believe me.


Even in wearing niqab, I have to choose. Whether I wear this one or the other.
It was when I consulted with my roommate that she told me how people look at me.

With that, the second rule is:
2. You should smile, always.


It is a sunnah, by the way. Smile. Please.
Spread salam, it is a sunnah also. Please?


Situation three.
People doesn't listen to you.


Problems are;
First, you talked too much.
Second, they were busy thinking, not listening.
Third, you chose the wrong moment to talk.


I just could not compress the problems within a rule.

I am asking you, my dear da'ie,
that the world does not revolve around you.


That you really have to know something before talking about it.


That dakwah is not just by mouth and a lot of talking.


Don't, delete you friends at facebook just because they posted something useless.
It is not because you didn't need them, it is because they need to read what you post.


Don't, make things hard.
Make it as simple as you can.


Don't, focus on everything.
Focus on something and go with it.


Don't, lower yourself, only your ego.

As I mentioned before, I was the type who wouldn't change just because a person told me so.
So you have to manipulate me.
I was manipulated by only a single invitation for my first talaqqi.
That person doesn't even know what I am doing right now.


You just can't expect you'll see the changes in front of you.
It might take time, but at least you tried.


Try in a better, thoughtful way.

a link to read; 
http://www.raziffuad.com/2012/03/duhai-jiwa-mengertilah.html


Allahua'lam.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Ya Habibi;

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.



يا ربي قد غفلنا وكلنا طمع
في عفو وفي كرم وفي اعتاق
وجنة مع سيد البشر
ندعوك... ندعوك ربي من الأعماق


Wahai Tuhanku, kami telah lalai lupa,
Namun setiap orang daripada kami tetap tamakkan,
Keampunan-Mu, dan sifat pemurah-Mu dan kebebasan daripada neraka-Mu,
Dan juga kami tamakkan syurga, yang dimasuki bersama-sama penghulu seluruh manusia.

Kami mohon pada-Mu.
Mohon dengan sangat, wahai Tuhanku,
Dari sudut hati kami yang paling dalam.


لو كان بيننا الحبيب # لدنا القاصي والقريب 
من طيبة قبل المغيب # طالباً قرب الحبيب


Kalaulah Kekasih-Mu, masih berada bersama-sama kami,
Akan terlunaslah segala hutang dan semakin hampirlah
dengan haruman Baginda, sebelum hilangnya,
rasa yang meronta-ronta untuk berada hampir dengan Kekasih-Mu.


بقربه النفس تطيب # وتدعوا الله فيجيب
أنوار طه لا تغيب # بلغنا لقاه يا مجيب


Berada berhampiran Baginda, jiwa turut menjadi harum
Dan apa jua yang kalian doakan kepada Allah, akan diperkenankan,
Cahaya Nabi Muhammad tidak akan pernah sirna,
Sempatkanlah kami bertemu dengan Baginda,
Wahai Tuhan yang Maha Memperkenankan doa hamba.


هداك الكون الرحيب # رحمة الهادي القريب
حديثك النهر العذيب # جوارك الغصن الرطيب


Hidayahmu kepada alam merata meluas,
Tanda hampirnya kasih sayang Tuhan pemberi hidayah,
Hadith-hadithmu ibarat sungai mengalir jernih,
Berada di sisimu bagaikan dahan yang tumbuh segar dan basah.


فدتك روحي يا حبيب # محمد مكرم الغريب
بقربك الروح تطيب # يا رحمة للعالمين


Kutebus diriku dengan dirimu, wahai Kekasihku,
Nabi Muhammad yang mulia, yang asing,
Berada berhampiranmu, jiwa menjadi harum,
Wahai yang diutuskan sebagai tanda kasih sayang Tuhan kepada seluruh alam.


يا حبيبي يا محمد # يا طبيبي يا ممجد
أنت ذوالفضل المؤيد # جل من صلى عليك


Wahai Kekasihku, wahai Nabi Muhammad
Wahai penyembuh hatiku, wahai yang dipuji dipuja,
Dirimu memiliki kelebihan yang diakui,
Oleh Tuhan yang turut berselawat ke atasmu.

Allahua'lam.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Tamparan nafsu.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.


Sejenak di Ramadhan yang mulia.
Allah memberi ujian, memberi peringatan.


Hamba yang lemah.
Tapi ana tahu, dan insyaAllah akan terus tahu.
Betapa sukarnya, tetap ana ada peluang berkata; "Ya Allah, bantullah aku."
Betapa sakitnya, orang kafir tidak akan mampu mengucapkan ayat itu.


Tampar sedikit diri sendiri.
Bukan fitrah yang sakit, tapi nafsu. Ajarkan nafsu itu. Nafsu yang selalu menipu.


Semenjak Ramadhan tiba, ana tertanya-tanya.
Kenapa dan mengapa, ana masih di Pusat Asasi UIAM?
Apa yang Allah tetapkan, hingga ana masih di sini?


Sedangkan istikharah yang ana lakukan, petunjuk yang ana dapat.
Bukan satu, bukan dua tapi sepanjang perjalanan.
Dan akhirnya, ana tahu.


Sepanjang ana di sini, Allah membimbing.
Dari satu talaqqi ke talaqqi yang lain.
Dari usrah mendengar tajwid kepada kelas tasmi'.
Dari setiausaha kepada... bekas setiausaha.


Pelik, sejak seawalnya semester ana dijemput, masuk ke mesyuarat itu, mesyuarat ini.
Pelik, setiap kali iftar ana diundang.
Pelik, sampai satu saat semua senyap. Ana terpaksa memulakan.


Ya, malam itu ana terpaksa.
Tapi ana tahu masalah itu ana harus selesaikan, benteng mereka itu ana harus pecahkan.
Dan ana semakin tertekan, kenapa mereka masih tidak memahami?
Bahawa ana tak nak terlibat, bukan sebab ego, bukan sebab ana dah letak jawatan, tetapi ana tidak mahu bertambah sayang. Hinggakan ana hampir tidak mahu pergi.


Lama ana berfikir, sungguh.


Dan akhirnya ana tahu.
Bahawasanya Allah menegur ana.
Ana berlari ke sana ke mari menuntut ilmu.
Ana berkeringat ke timur dan barat mendekati ulama'.
Tapi jarang, mungkin tidak pernah, ana sampaikan.


Dan sepanjangnya semester ini, Allah berkehendak ana menyampaikan.
Dari satu tazkirah kepada tazkirah yang lain.
Dari seorang sahabat kepada sahabat yang lain.
Dari banat kepada banin.
Dari fitrah ana kepada nafsu ana.


Dan ana ditegur, dengan penuh hemah oleh Allah yang Maha Penyayang,
oleh insan yang telah Allah bukakan hijab pandangan ana.
Betapa tertusuknya hati, bila dia berbicara.


"Jangan isi kekosongan masa dengan kekosongan jiwa."


3 malam berturut-turut, Allah menegur ana dengan kalamNya yang sama.
Pertama daripada ustaz, kedua kali daripada dia, ketiga kali daripada sahabat ana.
Mana mungkin mereka tahu bahawasanya apa yang dibaca mereka itu sama.
Pada orang yang sama; ana Amirah Hazwani.


Allahu Allah, betapa sungguh, ana buta selama ini.
Betapa ana pekak selama ini.
Betapa ana bisu selama ini.


Mereka berkata; hakikat yang memberi peringatan adalah kepada yang berkata itu sendiri.


Allah membuatkan diri berkata, dan akhirnya diri ini yang terkesan.

Dan apabila dia menulis, apabila dia memohon maaf.
Sedangkan diri ini yang tertipu dengan nafsu. Nafsu yang memilih dunia.


Semoga dia menjadi seorang yang zuhud.
Semoga ana dikuatkan Allah untuk berlari.


Tiada guna hati, yang mencintai selain Dia.


Wahai hamba ALLAH,
jangan sekali kamu mengeluh akan kurangnya waktu tidurmu.
Tapi menangislah jika kekurangan itu kerana diisi dengan dosa yang zahir mahupun batin.

"Dan bertaqwalah kamu kepada ALLAH,
sesungguhnya amat berat seksaanNYA." [5:2]

Wahai hamba ALLAH,
janganlah membiarkan diri ditipu dengan pandangan manusia menunjukkan keletihanmu berjihad di jalan ALLAH,
kerana itu permainan nafsu semata.

"Dan barangsiapa mengagungkan syiar ALLAH,
maka itu sesunggunya timbul dari ketaqwaan hati." [22:32]

Wahai hamba ALLAH,
ingatlah,
bila habisnya usia kita tidak tahu.
Mungkin sepluh tahun lagi, sepuluh hari, sepuluh saat.

"Sesungguhnya kehidupan dunia hanyalah permainan dan senda gurau.
Dan jika kamu beriman serta bertaqwa, ALLAH akan memberikan pahala kepadamu dan DIA tidak akan meminta hartamu." [47:36]


"EDUCATE your nafs,
if you failed, give it a SLAP."

Allahua'lam.