I hadn't write anything these days.
Ramadhan is leaving us, khair.
Taqabbalallahu minna wa minkum, insyaAllah.
This time I wanted to write about one of my biggest hardship in life.
My mistake. One, but had a huge effect in my life.
This is a mix post, between Malay and English.
I know I didn't do it often, it is my first time actually.
But some phrases I just couldn't express in English.
So it just better be in Malay.
Mungkin, ada yang tak mampu nak terima.
Ana tak tahu.
Tapi sungguh, ana mengaku kisah ini silapnya pada pihak ana.
My fault, and mine alone.
I'm writing in for my own reminder in the future.
And to remind every and each one of us,
that eventhough how hard we are trying to keep away ourselves from worldly matters,
it would still effect us, and if we are not prepared, we fell into it.
Ini kisah yang ana ceritakan pada satu iftar bersama adik-adik dan rakan ENGENIUS.
"Hati kita umpama cawan.
Jika kita penuhkan cawan itu dengan sesuatu,
pasti ia sukar untuk menerima sesuatu yang lain.
Bagaimana untuk menukarnya?
Sedangkan tidak mungkin kita mampu menukar cawan itu.
Ada dua cara,
buang apa yang ada di dalamnya,
atau penuhkan dengan sesuatu yang baru dengan melimpahkan apa yang ada keluar.
Masuk, masuk dan masukkan perkara yang baru.
Pasti yang lama itu tidak akan tersisa."
The story started few days before Ramadan came.
I was sitting alone in my house, relaxing.
I was content with my life.
I went to talaqqi, my tasmi' class was progressing, my study was fine.
And out of the sudden, one thought crossed my mind.
One name, actually.
And my mind suddenly gave me a comment:
"Do you actually like him, but you didn't realise it?"
I was, stunned. Angry at the same time.
How could I think about someone, in this case, a brother that I shouldn't be thinking?
How is that possible?
I don't even close to him what so ever, or even communicating with him if not necessary.
And that was when I realised that,
it was a test.
It was a test for me, and the outcome lies solely on my action.
At first, ignoring was an option.
But my nafs had it own strategy of diverging me from the straight path.
The brother I mentioned, whom we shall refer as Z (not a real name) from this point onwards, had to go to a camp.
I was, worried.
Of course I was still angry of myself, but I can't control my feelings at that stage.
So I bought breads and candies and even a bottle of mineral for him.
Allah gave me a sign that day.
Allah didn't approved me to pass all those things to him before he left.
I was taken aback, so I gave my nafs a big slap.
The days without Z around the campus gave me my normal life back.
I was Amirah Hazwani, the one who eventhough is not very strict to the brothers, but knows the limit.
Until one night, there was a meeting somewhere at CFS.
I knew that he would be there, but it was also compulsory for me to come.
I went there, for a minute or two I sat down and there you go.
My eyes were searching for him without thinking.
Yes, the point was I wasn't thinking, and I wasn't remembering Allah as I should do.
Alhamdulillah, before my eyes sees any sign of him, the other part of my body refuses to and my heart lead my steps outside the venue. Alhamdulillah.
I waited outside, until the meeting was about to end.
We are suppose to eat together afterwards.
Then it crosses my mind that if we are suppose to eat together, then I would have to meet him.
So I decided to went back to KC early, so I wouldn't have to.
Stepping down the stairs, I heard a voice.
I knew it was him.
As quickly as I can, I ran downstairs, saw him and turn the other way round to my left.
Because I know he'll went to the right side.
In front of me was dark glasses that allow me to see the view behind me.
And I saw him following my footsteps.
I can't think, thus I ran.
I ran to another direction, went to another block, down the stairs.
And what happened next?
I heard someone footsteps behind me,
I looked back, and it was him.
I can't think, thus I ran harder.
I ran until I arrived at KC, where I cried.
I cried not because I didn't meet him what so ever.
I cried because I felt that, I had given another slap to my nafs.
The feelings towards him, was wrong. Though it is a fitrah.
I know for a fact that he wasn't following me.
It just that we are going to the same direction.
That was the point that I know that he realised everything.
I didn't tell him, of course.
I just knew, that he knows.
So he said something that I felt that it was for me, though it was said in front of others also.
"Jangan isi kekosongan masa, dengan kekosongan jiwa."
Just because... well, just -- because.
Afterwards, I was back to myself.
For a brief moment.
I did not know when I started to flustered again whenever I sees him.
I did not know when I, again, lost control of my own feelings.
I had troubles with my memorization and I know it is because of what.
And I can't tell anyone.
I had it as a secret apart from three people.
But there was no obvious solution to a heart issue.
Bak kata orang, penyakit hati.
Percayalah, sesaknya hati dipenuhi dunia, lebih sesak lagi bagi ana.
Saatnya ana merasa betapa kalau ana tidak menimba ilmu,
pasti ana akan tenggelam ke dalam perangkap nafsu.
Walaupun suka dan cinta itu fitrah, tapi ana tahu bukan sekarang.
Allah gave me another chance.
One day, I took a day rest.
I didn't go to any of my classes.
One of my lecturer asked whether I had a problem.
I had a problem, I just can't find a solution for it that moment.
On the evening, I received a text from a friend to grab a thing at the Mahallah Office.
So I went there four times. The fourth time, it was at 4 o'clock.
I received a huge box with my name and address written on it.
I opened the package and saw an album with my picture on the front.
I knew what it was for, it was a farewell gift. I burst into tears.
The album was arranged so that one side of it was for letters written by my fellow ENGENIUSes.
And another was our pictures.
And there it was, a note from him.
Alhamdulillah, after I read what he wrote, it was a closure for my feelings.
After I read what he wrote, I was able to tell my heart, my nafs and my 'aql to cooperate together.
My struggle for my own feelings lasted about two weeks.
It was that moment that I realised why I had accidentally liked him.
He was and is a good person.
He was and is someone that can differentiate what is right and wrong.
And he will tell others, if something is wrong.
He told me.
But I had chose a path where I wasn't suppose to like someone during this age, this time.
Sakit ana, penyakit hati.
Hanya mampu diubat dengan usaha dan tawakal.
Dan sakit ana bertambah berat,
kerana tidak sepatutnya perkara yang "remeh" ini ana mengambil waktu dua minggu untuk menangani.
Dan ana menulis, bukan untuk menunjukkan kelemahan.
Tapi hakikat. Sebanyak mana mungkin antum lihat ana menjaga.
Sebanyak mana mungkin antum lihat ana petah berbicara.
Ana juga pernah jatuh.
Dan jatuhnya ana tidak ada seorang manusia pun yang mampu membantu.
3 manusia ana berharap, ana meluahkan masalah.
Tapi hati itu milik siapa?
Sepatutnya dari awal ana kembali kepada Dia.
Dan ana tujukan nasihat kepada golongan yang hendak menerima,
cinta dan suka itu fitrah.
Tapi hidup kita di dunia bukan untuk setakat bercinta.
Bukan maksudnya mendapat izin ibu bapa itu menghalalkan perhubungan mana-mana pihak.
Bukan hanya dengan berbalas tazkirah itu menunjukkan kesucian.
Jauh sekali, malah mungkin antum telah ditipu nafsu semata-mata.
Ketahuilah, ana tak mengharamkan cinta.
Tapi tingkahlaku menggapai cinta itu kadang-kadang haram.
Janganlah, bersikap sambil lewa terhadap dosa. Walaupun sekecil mana.
Janganlah, mengambil mudah terhadap zina.
Biarlah kita syadid, asal mendapat redhaNya.
Biarlah kita jumud, asal mendapat keampunanNya.
Ana mengakhiri penulisan peribadi ana tentang cinta di sini.
Biarlah, apa yang sudah ditakdirkan, tetap akan berlaku.
Pilihan hati atau pilihan keluarga, pilihan Allah tetap lebih baik.
Moga dia menjadi seorang yang zuhud,
moga hati ana kekal kosong hingga tiba masanya.
"Apabila da'ie tidak menjaga hatinya,
maka rosaklah dirinya,
terfitnahlah Islam kerananya
dan runtuhlah dakwah di tangannya.
kejayaan dakwah bukanlah terletak pada kepandaian seorang da'ie berkata-kata,
bukanlah kecantikan paras rupa,
tapi terletak pada keikhlasan dan kejernihan hatinya.
Maka waspadailah hatimu selalu
agar ia terselamat dari kekotoran nafsu yang menipu."