Monday, August 11, 2014

Travels lead to home.

BismiLLAHirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatuLLAHi wabarakatuh.

I think I am becoming the newest stalker of Qatar Airways these days.

I called, I went to the office and for multiple times in an hour I logged in online.

I just want to go home.

*****

There was this thing that kept popping out in my mind for few times in the past few months...
It was words that people said.

How... funny it is when I read a well written status from a friend at Facebook,
but I just can't seem to like it.

And when another one writes something that is similar... I have no doubts in my mind.

It was weird for me. What is wrong with me?
Do I... take sides? :O

Then,
I realised... I prefer those who walk the talk.
Its simply because I know that this person is writing what he or she had did or experienced while the others who writes the same thing, I never got the chance to see their actions, (yet).

So if I like that to another person,
what am I suppose to do with myself?

*****

Come to think about it, life was never about the money.
Currency was invented by people.
Life was never about careers.
Different people play in different fields.

Its a definition that can't be filled.

I laid down so many times to think about religion.
I believe in mine.

And some people believe in theirs.

I am not a preacher, I am just a normal (please define) person.
At least for me.

I just want to live because I know I'll die.
I want to make people happy because I know they'll die.

But most of all,
to die is the only way to finally see the truth.

The moment you don't care when the sky is blue.

Because the only thing left is HIM and you.




ALLAHUa'lam.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

3rd year soon-to-be,

BismiLLAHirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatuLLAHi wabarakatuh.

As usual, it had been a while.
So that's that.

Let us catch up each others' life, shall we.
After all, one's experiences shape one's expectations.

I left Egypt.
Chill. It is summer break, dear.

But the thing is, I wasn't planning to.

Therefore, why did I booked my ticket 4 days before flight, few hours after my last end-of-term paper and arrived at KLIA afterwards - alone -?

It was the tense.

My 2nd year as a medical student started with;

me wearing niqab, not special by the way,
financial assistance from Zakat and others, alhamduLILLAH,
a cosy bedroom for one,
friends and family.

Never did I though it will all, well, most of it... change throughout my academic year (Sept 2013-June 2014)

Few days back I was asked - again - of my reason not to wear niqab anymore.
It was pretty clear for me but for me myself, common senses are subjective.
I might see something normal but my best friend may see it as the end of the world!

Okay, kidding. But who knows?

So I'll skip my reasons but believe me, perfectly no harm is done.
And yes, insyaALLAH, as my future career in the line, no, I won't be wearing it anymore.
Though when I visit Imam I prefer to dress with what I like.

Next then.

AlhamduLILLAH I have no major financial issues.
I received many helps, not forgetting those who lend a hand in the first place and for whom might concern, I was offered with JPA's loan and I accepted it.

I really in need of your prayers.
Because I'm here not because of me.
May I graduate in time, ameen.

To the next point please, :)

I am pretty sure I wrote about my moving into Darul Hasani.
And it brought major effect to me mentally, physically, academically, you name it.
It is not about having all the things happening to you at once, no,
it is about how you handle it.

And in this case, how I handle my situation.

It wasn't genius nor even well-planned.
I wasn't thinking a lot and I preferred not to think - and - I dozed off a lot.

But the thing is, nothing will be settled if you (or I) didn't do anything.

Yes, it is a clear statement but no one is moving!

Each one of us has different problems.
Some can be solved in seconds like clicking Yes or No in accepting a terms of conditions of many online pages.
Some in minutes like what will you wear today.
Some in hours, days and even months or years.

You just don't know when todays' to-do-list will ever finish.
But you still have to accept that most of the time you won't be able to tick all the boxes in one day! And the next day you'll have another one whether you write it on paper or just making a mental note.

Like now, I am dying to come back to Egypt though in the first place I came home was to run from the hectic, busy (you kidding me right Amirah), hotness and all.

Now I know I can't.
An empty heart is an empty heart.

And for a normal commoner that had been written by HIM to serve students of knowledge at Darul Hasani...

I know whatever it is, I just have to remember HIM.

But that doesn't make anyone less than normal.
Syeikh always said to us not to see him a superman.

He eats, drinks, works, sleeps, has a family and all.

To actually be a Muslim doesn't mean you can't laugh at a joke.
Our Prophet s.a.w used to joke but He s.a.w did not lie during joking.
And He s.a.w smiled when He s.a.w was feeling happy.

So that was basically what I was keeping inside.

I just have to remember that as a Muslim, I have my duties to my GOD.
5 daily prayers, fasting during Ramadhan and etc.

As a human, I have my  duties to those around me.

To make a better self is perhaps one of a good way to make a better environment.
Home is where you heart is.

And at the end of the day,
death will cuts us off from these worldly affairs.

If I die seconds after this, then what is there to worry about?




ALLAHua'lam.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Running wasn't the solution.

BismiLLAHirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatuLLAHi wabarakatuh.

These days, I lost myself.
I try to grasp the idea of gaining back but it doesn't brings much effect as I wanted it to be.

As... I want. *sigh*

The nafs wants everything.

The last day Syeikh was here, I waved from the house.
It was morning and I looked bad enough to go out and stand by the car.
So I didn't and stayed.

The house turned very quiet afterwards,
very.

We know he will be gone for at least 2 months.
For few seconds only after he left... we felt... missing.
At least I do.

Study week came shortly afterwards.
Our daily classes became weekly on basis.
Once per week. Not even the Friday's night "Majlis Selawat".

I wasn't even very sure what went wrong.
But I did ran away.

I packed my bags and poof, I was on the bus to Ramsis.
Poof, I was on the tremco to Tanta.
Spent a night, train to Alex.
Spent a night, car to Mansoura.
Spent a night, bus to Cairo.

Then... Friday's morning class again.

People are decreasing... because of the exam.
I don't know.
I really don't know.

I took the first bus from Mansoura to Cairo biizniLLAH because I knew I have to attend the class.
No matter what.
And when I saw that people wasn't coming...

Gosh.
Is that how much I like to see people come?

Ya RABB.

*sigh*

My first written Physiology paper came afterwards.
I didn't know what I did but I was totally furious with my way and rate of studying.
So after the nightmare,
I - tried - to focus on oral and practical.

My, my.

What happened to me?

One thing I don't let myself to do was to express my deep anger towards others.
And when it was finally time for oral and practical, that is, yesterday...
I was glad alhamduLILLAH.

The written practical calm my heart.
The doctor asking practical questions said that Amirah and I were good and even made us stop when we wanted to continue.
The first doctor for oral smiled and said "Thank you. I am very glad."
The second doctor made me think and said things I don't know I can relate in Physiology.

AlhamduLILLAH.

The few shimmers of happiness.

Then I went back to Rumah Sarawak; the place I had been staying for a while.
There... I realised what was my problem.

I had fell in love.

Though, my dear, love isn't only to human.
It might be to materials, conditions, places...

I fell in love with something that I am not sure whether that love will help me in the journey to ALLAH.

Love is a gift.
The feelings itself are blessings from HIM.

I think about it again and again.
And what hit me was an advice.

One told me, that I should not cling to routine.
Okay so I had a decent life, I "think" I was doing good things, so what?
Don't cling on it.

Stop thinking you are the one who made from what you did yesterday.
You can, insyaALLAH, change any second you want to, IF you want to.

Every minute is a new minute.
People forget about the past, good or bad.

The rear mirror in a car was made for precautions, not as the ultimate goal of where you are looking at.
You have to see the front mirror.

What is happening, how to deal with it and most importantly, stay. with. HIM.

Sometimes you wonder how you could woke up early for Fajr past few years and now you are struggling.
Sometimes you wonder how you could study for hours before and now you keep on sleeping.

People change.
Nafs has its own way to brings you back to the darkness.

You just have to learn, how to control.
Close your eyes and open your heart.

Because, "Verily, for every difficulty, there is ease." al-Insyirah.

ALLAHua'lam.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

It all happened as HE wanted it to be.

BismiLLAHirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatuLLAHi wabarakatuh.

It's been a while.
Isn't it?

Last post was on November and poof, here I am.
May 2014.

20 years old, reaching that 21 this October insyaALLAH.


Bits from here and there.
So alhamduLILLAH I had finished the semester and currently in my study week just before the final examination.
Egypt is as always, as you can read it on the news or happen to experience it by yourself.

Truth to be told,
I was scrolling around the previous posts.

It was like a memory lane, it is, indeed.
Ups and downs. There are things that I don't even want to remember. I don't wish it doesn't happen but something so devastating just need to... disappear?

Well, anyway...

Those are the things that made what I am today, isn't it?
No, I can't agree more.


At the beginning of the academic year, it happened that I was destined to this beautiful house of Rumah Kenyalang, the residency for Sarawakians.
I got a call one night, asking me to accompany one of the girls that stayed there.

I said okay, without even having a syura with my current housemates just because... Because I know it had to be done.

I made an agreement to pay for my part of the house rent until they manage to find another.
I moved.
And it was closer to talaqqi.

Therefore, I officially live with Nining and Yuyu.
I had this privilege of running from the house to Bawabah Thani.
Huge privilege of joining the Family Day at the rooftop.
And others, obviously. Those little things that made your life a litttttle bit brighter.

Just thinking of it made my eyes full of tears. Ha-ha.

Why?

Just because...

It was destined that I have to move, again.

My Syeikh wanted to move the class to another place.
That... another place, needs a "guardian".

You might want to imagine how reaction when the place was almost ready and Syeikh was standing there in front of me... asking... "When do you want to move in?"

I knew I didn't have any choice.
I knew ALLAH wants me to crush my ego and be a khuddam.

Officially (again), I live at the place where I learn.

It wasn't unhappy at all.
I was glad and it's a gift.

A gift that I get, no one else did.
To "break" your bones and serve.

Not everyone understand this matter.
Some might try to comprehend.

I myself still trying to grasp the idea.

HE got the best plans.
What I've been through.
What I am going through...

I'll say I'll just let it be.
Que sera sera.


ALLAHua'lam.