Friday, March 9, 2012

Things are hard and yet...


Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Once, back then, I wrote in this blog. Once, I refer CFS 190 as “the reason I stay.”
And now we are not 190 anymore. You can't deny, we are not. So I don't have any reasons left.

Ami is making me come back to Shah Alam every week now. Well, it will be just for another 6 months.
I got the letter and I was like, “Oh, I got it.”

Here in CFS, we are having our mid term. I was completely content with my situation right now until I saw each one of you. Why again, I might ask, we must bumped out with each other? I saw those of 190, and it tore me apart. Whatever I had in my mind, I don't even care. I don't care about those 194 and them who I didn't want to know. I didn't even know their names.

I know it might not be good for me to stuck in the moment, especially in memories. It happened last year, I reminded myself but I think it takes time. Time will change everything, insyaAllah.

I was having a conversation with Sir Alizaman D.Gamon along with Fatin and Aini the other day. One of the things we talked about was about niqab. It can be said that his point of view broaden mine. Sometimes I feel that niqab is not by choice. For me, at least. There's situation that is forbidden while another situation is a must. Then suddenly when your faith is low and you just want to be normal but then you couldn't take it off and you wouldn't. And when you really feel that the need is there but people are stopping you. It is not by choice, really, it is – as you might put it, conditional. One have to own a strong will to accept all the conditions.

For this semester I was taught by Sir Azizul Azlan and Madam Rohaida. I added Computer and I was taught by Sir Mahmoud Shawabkeh. I can't believe that I got all the nicest lecturers existed. For the past two semesters I thought that I wouldn't find any lecturers more that I could spare my love for and yet all four of them manage to gain both my love and respect. Not only they are the best in their field, mind you, they are extraordinarily fine lecturers. But I still won't forget Sir Izzuddin, Sir Ashraf, Ustaz Asyraf, Madam Nurul Hafidzah, Ustazah Salmiah and Miss (Now Madam) Rahimah.

I congratulate both of my Misses who got married this semester whole-heartedly. Barakallah 'alaik :)

I got less worried about ENGENIUS day after day. I'm glad if I went through a day without having to think about it. Not that I'm running away from my responsibilites, but, I don't really feel that kind of comfort now in the Board. We are working very hard, each one of us. The line-up, the members, and the cycle still are the same. We got an event, we work on it, we regret the wrong things and praise the good ones. And then, none.

Okay, I might be wrong. And then, we pass it to our juniors. And the cycle goes on and on.

There's nothing or someone who is blameworthy at this point, at this situation because that is how things work. To change something, especially to a better one, the whole society need to grasp the idea of thing are wrong right now. There is no absolute wrongness in having all these cycle as it doesn't bring any harm but it doesn't bring any good either. This particular problem, as I see it like that, it can only be change by a person or few persons who could manage to do the action. Not the one like me who is always writing all the time and at the end of the day find it difficult to talk to someone.

Yes, I think I have a problem. I write too much and I express to little.

I don't exactly know whether being alone is good or bad. Or perhaps it is between those two? I am lacking of vocabulary here just to type things. Khair, I'm weird.

During our conversation with Sir Alizaman, two brothers came in and I recognise one as one of the lecturers and the other was familiar. I covered my fce with a hand, trying not to look obvious that I don't feel comfortable but the familiarity remains. So I looked at him and I remembered who he was. He was one of the judges during the debate and he helped me once eventhough I never said a word to him directly. And the most important I realised was, he never sees me. So I was dumb founded.

What should I do?

I can't cover my face completely because he'll recognise straight away. Then the lecturer who came in with him introduced him as the part time lecturer and I was like – WHAT? I can't believe how these things happens to me. I know Allah had planned it and He is the best planner. I just wish, please pray for me, that I wouldn't accidentally meet him at the campus.

Because I don't really comfortable with the brothers. Some are fine, we can get along. The other some, er, no.

The same thing applies to sisters, shockingly. Those who I thought I couldn't get along with suddenly we became friends and those who are friendly to others I just couldn't see eye to eye. As a Muslim, we must love each other as the huge family of Islam. I like to state it like that. We are huge, very huge family with the only true religion. May Allah bless us :)

The next paper will be Maths (at the time I write this). I think, most of my friends knows about my relationship with Maths. It is not that I don't like Maths but I think Maths is having problem with me trying to solve the problems. Alhamdulillah, I am not the one in my field. So kind of really like those who are having the same problem with me :D Maths is something, you can't tolerate with. It is either: love or hate. Supergenius or super-not-genius. Okay, I'm blabbering.

This post, I believe, is rather – normal. These are my thoughts at the time I write so I write it. Sometimes I do feel that I must write something educational or beneficial. Yet, I merely forgot that writing random things and the random happiness that you gained from it is pure. Alhamdulillah, Allah gave us two most important ni'mat that are Iman and Islam. Have faith in Allah.

Random things I love:
Ice Lemon Tea,
Chocolate Wafer Sticks,
Gardenia Bread with Planta,
Toffee,
Cold Nescafe,
Spicy Eggplant,
Udon, (Do I just mentioned all the delicacies? No wonder I feel like gaining weight.)
Alone.

Allah had blessed my with those feelings. InsyaAllah, I'll channel my feelings to the right part to gain mardhatillah.

Wallahua'lam.

3 comments:

  1. Assalammualaikum dear Amirah,

    Love your blog, keep writing. I have also started going to Madras An Nur every Sunday, maybe one day we can meet and taaruf?

    ~Mdm Niqabi, CFS IIUM ;-)

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  2. oh yes, incidentally, my kids also call me "ami" and they think they are the only strange ones in this world. :-D

    Mdm Niqabi, CFS IIUM

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  3. Wa'alaikumussalam w.b.t.

    Dear madam,
    InsyaAllah I'll be there for this week.
    InsyaAllah we will meet and ta'aruf :) *blushing out of sudden*

    Syukran for spending time reading my writings XD

    p.s: I still don't know the meaning of 'ami' ><

    ReplyDelete

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم