So I sit here, trying to type.
Whatever it is in my mind right now.
I had been better, but never been worse.
Alone, as usual. But this loneliness will stay until Monday. It's the weekend holiday plus the public holiday. I am everything, but thrilled.
I tried to eat twice today, as I made the decision to buy rice and veggies as usual, on my normal day. Yesterday hadn't been normal. I ate nothing, but slices of bread. No longer I had the strength to cry. I just don't know why, I couldn't eat.
So I forced myself to eat, when a friend stopped by. I know for a fact, my body will have to accept the food. My mind and my body both are playing games. The logic side of my brain will instruct my mouth to chew, forcing the food down my throat and fill my stomach. My body on the other hand will digest it. Enough protein for the day.
This is an act, I have to live with everyday. As long as there is someone near me, my mind won't let me starve to death.
But now I am all alone. For more than three days.
Let us change the subject.
Alhamdulillah, yesterday I had finally able to say, "Qabiltul Ijazah."
For Bidayatul Hidayah, written by al Imam Hujjatul Islam Al Ghazali r.a.
From al-Fadhil al-Murabbi al-Ustaz Muhadir bin Hj Joll.
"Apabila engkau merasa cukup dalam setahun dengan hanya memakai sehelai baju yang kasar dan merasa cukup dalam sehari semalam dengan dua potong roti daripada tepung yang kasar dan engkau mampu meninggalkan kelazatan gulai maka pasti makanan yang halal itu cukup bagimu."
This is not the statement to make it the reason of why I wouldn't eat.
I won't blame nothing for the inability of my body to accept food.
But I want to point out a fact,
that we sometimes, had been spending more money on food that we ever thought.
I heard often enough, people sighing about money and yet they eat twice or thrice a day, full meal. I don't get it. It is not logic.
I used to, spend recklessly on food. As I thought, food is essential. It is a part of everyday life. There's nothing wrong to spend money on food. But it is. At least for me, right now. With Egypt in havoc, and not to mention the flood in Thailand and chaos all over the world, I couldn't... eat.
Last semester was all about fried chicken for me. I bought it every day if I could.
But this semester is all about half of the rice portion and veggies. Sometimes I did wonder if I can just buy the rice alone. I wanted to feel, what others felt. Not having the choice to eat, eventhough you are starving.
"NO WAY WILL I MARRY A NIQABI!"
6 days ago