To know is painful.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

I just want someone to know, whoever read this, that I, Amirah Hazwani, always am alone, always seen alone, like to be alone but not every time. It is not every time I want to be alone.

It was written some time ago.

It was written quite a while ago.

But it is still; unbelievably true.

Though I'm doubtful about my grammar ;D

*****

May ALLAH yusahhil. Ameen.

"Maka lihatlah kepada hatimu. Adakah cahaya atau kegelapan?”

"Therefore see through your heart. Is it bright with light or deep in darkness?”

Once I posted in my timeline;

Truth to be told, to say things are easy.

It slipped out just like that.

To write, is not difficult.

Though the only different is; we can delete it before anyone reads it.

Along with my colleagues, we are now officially one day before our last paper, which is Anatomy. The holidays are getting nearer. The tense are getting at its peak and lowest. At the same time.

I had my heart broken couple of times in the duration of study week.

Perhaps, and just perhaps, I had more than my colleagues.

My Syeikh mentioned; (in my way of translating what he said) –

The reason why we forget ALLAH is that we have a vacant in our heart.

Vacant, is meant to be filled. Sah?

It bring us to a conclusion that, when we thought we remember ALLAH and yet we have a million of other things keeping our mind busy, that really means something. Our hearts are not yet filled with ALLAH.

This world, my dear, is like a bridge. A bridge that connects two other worlds; the world of Ruuh (spirit) and Akhirah (HereAfter).

When crossing a bridge, everyone will try his own way. Such as, I can cross it by a car or a lorry, or by riding a horse, or running, or walking. Sometimes, I can walk for a few minutes and rest for 10 hours.

At the end, I still won't build a house in that bridge. I just want to cross. The duration is not an issue.

This example bring us back to reality. Every Muslim want to reach to ALLAH. Or at least, HIS Jannah (which at the end, you'll reach ALLAH also though it is a different and longer story.) But people have their own way.

Pray, praises to Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h, read the Quran, fast and so on.

What didn't occur to us is that, we are focusing only on 'how', instead of 'who'.

Who gave you Quran to read and ponder?

Who created for you the sky, Earth and everything in between?

Who made you as perfect as you are right now?

Those 10 fingers that you use to write.

Those muscles that are supporting each other.

The sciatic nerve that divided into common peroneal and tibial nerve.

The eyes that you are currently using to read right now.

And the mouth and tongue, that suppose to say; AlhamduLILLAH.

قل الحمد لله

Surprise, surprise. We forget about HIM.

We forget to know HIM.

We forget that, to reach HIM, is only by HIS permission.

Not by our desire.

Not by our desire.

It is not the same, one who gets an invitation with one who didn't get.

It is not the same, one who reach the door and stand still with one who enters.

It is not the same, one who enters and sit quietly with one who have the chance to speak to the owner of the house.

It is not the same, one who thinks he had arrive and one who actually arrive.

Tak sama, seorang yang mendapat jemputan dengan yang tidak mendapat.

Tak sama, seorang yang sampai di depan pintu dan berdiri dengan yang masuk ke dalam.

Tak sama, seorang yang masuk dan berdiam diri dengan yang mendapat peluang berbicara dengan tuan rumah.

Tak sama, seorang yang merasakan dia sudah sampai; dengan yang hakikatnya sudah sampai.

And the question aroused; how to know HIM?

It is not for me to answer.

Because your way of crossing the bridge differs from mine.

Keep yourself engage. With death. Then you'll find yourself hurrying to find the correct way. At the end, if HE doesn't want to, there's nothing that we can do. But, we can still have faith. To believe that HE had created us with love and to reach HIM.

He didn't created us to suffer.

And everything around us didn't make us suffer.

We are suffocating ourselves.

We dream too much that when even a minute thing does not occur according to our desire, we blow off. We got sick, because we are sick.

A doctor may give us medicine, but it is up to us whether to take it or not.

And medicine usually are not tasty at all.

Or it takes a long time to heal.

So be patient. Because ALLAH is with those who are patient.

ALLAHua'lam.