Remembering death.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.








I closed my eyes, and memories flashes.


I opened both.
I can't breath, I tried to. Really hard.
I saw nothing but water, I was surrounded by them, and shades of light above me.


I remembered it clearly now, I was drowning.


For I know I can't swim, I try to push myself up to the surface.
But it was useless. No matter how hard I tried, it seemed that I'm getting nearer to the bottom of the pool.


I thought, "why on Earth would I separate myself from my family? They could have see me drowning and save me."
Then I knew the reason, I was separated from them because I wanted to.
I wanted to be alone.


But I never wanted to drown and die all by myself.


I tried to breath again, and I failed. Water came in instead of air.
I started to let go, letting my body to drift away, to sink.
I was too little, haven't been to school yet, and I was ready to die.
I closed my eyes.


And I felt a hand grabbed me, I survived.














I opened my eyes, and closed it back.


I wasn't a children anymore, I've grown up. I was 17.
I was in a vehicle, and I heard noises. It was loud for me.
Irritated by the loudness, I tried to figure out what had happened.
"Oh," I sighed.
I was in the ambulance.
They had sent me to the emergency room, and I was heading to the hospital.


I felt a hand holding mine. I felt like to push it away.
I don't like being touch.


Then I heard familiar voice, asking me to keep awake.
I hate this part also.
I wanted to sleep, to drift away.
How can I keep awake?


I remembered when they took my blood, without my permission.
I hate needles.
And they were saying things like how I shouldn't suffer and how much pain I was going through.
I hate to point the fact that it was me who was in pain.


I opened my eyes again.












This time, I saw CFS in front of me.
Standing there, in the lobby, when most of the students had left for holidays,
I stared in silence.
I walked along, and the breezes caught me.
It had been the wee hours of the night.
But I can't sleep.


Then it occurred to me, the strangeness of my behaviour.
I can't eat and now I can't sleep.
I read hundred of pages of books just to make me feel tired and yet, I rather read the book than sleep.
I haven't get enough supply of Ice Lemon Tea, perhaps that was it.
I drank plain water most of the days, if I don't help my self with a cup of Nescafe.
Then I hear echoes in my ears, saying caffeine is not good for your health.
I ignored it.


I am fine. Really fine. Remembering deaths is good, to remind myself that I won't breath air for long.
I am not running away, I had been prepared. For the last few months, since I was merely few years old. I had warned myself. It was just the warning I rarely have the guts to remember.






Wallahua'lam.