Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Amirah Hazwani binti Muhammad Azlan.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t


I never been less than happy to be here in CFS, studying Chemistry.
And I'm all alone.


Not that I don't have friends, I do.
Those kind of friends that comfort me, I do have.
Plus, I love CFS.
And, I like Chemistry. I'm eager to learn it.


But why am I feeling, a bit different right now?


Previously, I don't want to write today. Because it will be the same every-day life.
However, I was reading a book not more than a few minutes ago, and I was bored and sleepy and I need something to wake me up so I on the laptop and suddenly, I feel very... sad.


The first thing I saw in my Superkira was 190 picture, which I put as my wallpaper.
I scanned through all the sisters faces. Most of them are here.


Then I moved on to my blog. I felt like to write. Just, something random.
Not out of the ordinary, I might say.


I was texting a few brothers early in the afternoon. I was asking them about short sem. It turned out that they asked me about it. They didn't know they were chosen. I told you before that 62 students were on the list, ain't I?
Plus one hundred more to the number. A day before Mahallah Registration, which happened to due yesterday.


In my heart, logically thinking, I knew they doesn't know about it.
I wanted to text them as soon as possible, but I was... shy.
I never text them unimportant things and I consider this an unimportant thing.
Not-so-important-to-the-extend-that-I-have-to-text-and-say-"Hey, do you know you were listed for Chem 1?"


Definitely not.




But I gained my guts earlier and texted them. They all replied. 3 persons.
Not one single person knows.
So I explained.
Explained again,
and again...


At the end of the day, only one person accepted the fact that he has to go back to CFS.
He texted me more, but my guilt raised to the level of, well, the highest level, and I put an end to the conversation.
It happened also the day before to another brother. I just don't feel comfortable texting, or messaging, or anything else that have to involve - brothers.


And I hate the way I'm typing this post because I felt like I'm being, different. I don't know how. This feelings really affect my writing. Why can't I just be honest and straight forward?


I think, I'm behaving like a girl, a sister.
You know what I mean?


The type of girl that-doesn't-want-to-tell-things-straight-to-the-point-but-have-to-write-a-full-length-of-essay-on-her-blog-and-REALLY-hope-people-understand-how-she-hate-what-she-feels-right-now-but-she-just-can't-tell-it-straight-away.
You know what I mean?


I mean, come on, I just can't tell you that I am feeling rather sad, or perhaps deliberately sad right now out of the sudden while I was reading a book?
Come on, I have to write stuffs before I get to the point. Or you'll feel bored.


Okay, you are bored already.


Truthfully, I am being a girl more than ever right now.
I try to be modest, respected, mature and girlish.


The phobia of me towards men, or brothers as I called them, is increasing every day. It decreases at one point, but increases back rapidly. I am not sure whether I could even stand near enough to a brother without feeling scared. I'll try to hide my feelings mostly, pretended like I can be calm around brothers, but I don't actually.


Perhaps a bunch of them, but the rest are no-no.
I don't know why, I don't.




Wallahua'lam.

3 comments:

  1. You're normal. No worries. U're unique in your own way. InsyaAllah.

    ReplyDelete
  2. i understood.. i felt the same kind of feelings.. always smile and cheer like amirah that i know... :)

    ReplyDelete

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم